Everybody should be happy receiving phone calls from old friends. This world is a cruel place to live in where people are too busy fighting over gold and glory while listening to One Direction, so when somebody whom you havent met for quite a long time spares time to give you a holler, you should be honoured. There’s somebody out there who actually thinks about your pathetic being while you’re trying to figure out the meaning of your existence behind the cubicle. You’re worthy of a phone call! Cheer up! You’re not as bad as you think you are!
Yeah, until you find out that your old friends are actually MLM (Multi-level Marketing) agents.
That’s one of the biggest bummers that could’ve happened to your social life. Finding out that your old mates are now running MLMs is similar to finding out that your extremely religious mates in high school are now party animals who have switched preferences from holy water to Chiroc. You would want to tap their shoulders and ask what has gone wrong in their life?
“Have you been reading too much Robert Kiyosaki” is my favourite question.
My second favourite question is “Do you know that Kiyosaki is now bankrupt?”.
It’s before i throw my third favourite and final question, “Do you need a hug?”
I just got back from a meeting with a friend from university. He contacted me yesterday and mentioned something about advertising and digital opportunity. As an internet warrior myself, i couldnt let something presented as “digital opportunity” pass without a look. Like an innocent kid who’s offered candies by a dodgy stranger, i said yes. I’ve been intellectually abused. I have no honour left in me.
Here’s a thing about MLM agents: they have an array of pick-up lines that would make Barney Stinson proud.
I’ve heard a lot of them, from the classic “are you tired of not making much money?”, the cliche “Dont work for money, let the money works for you”, to the outrageously pious “God wants you to be rich. Take His call and be my downline”.
I know that God works in a mysterious way, but i’m not sure He’s in the MLM business. Okay, maybe He is.
But my point is i shouldve known better dealing with sugar-coated words, especially when i get those from somebody whom i’ve never talked to in years. Truth to be told, it’s like when animals are running anxiously before a volcano erupts or earthquake happens: it’s a sign from nature that a disaster is bound to happen.
I tried to free myself from prejudice, but what i was offered didnt make any sense. The product is a digital video advertising platform and it’s kind of decent. Nothing outstanding, but it’s okay. But you know turd has got real when the product presentation switched into a typical marketing presentation scheme with typical MLM magic words like “downline”, “passive income”, and, of course, “Diamond members”. In case you’re wondering, yes, there’s a picture of yacht there.
MLM agents are always more interested in explaining the marketing scheme than the product itself. I asked more about the product, but he kept dodging the question and dragged the conversation back into the marketing scheme. He boasted about the product is one for the future but struggled to explain more about it.
It couldnt get more fishy when i was told that in order to use the platform, one should be a member and get another member to join. Then the number of your downlines will accumulate your income, and the higher you are in the marketing pyramid, the more you will earn. I’ve heard the term “tech evangelist”, but i’m pretty sure this is not what that term supposed to mean.
I asked whether i was presented with a Ponzi Scheme 2.0. He answered, “what’s that?”. I smirked.
I believe i’m not the only one with such experience. Half of you, dear readers, might’ve been offered a similar MLM scheme, while the other half might’ve been MLM agents themselves. It’s epidemic.
I have set an SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) when receiving contact from old acquiantances. Asking “This is not a covert MLM offer, is it?” beforehand will save me a lot of hustle.
I’d appreciate them even more if they bluntly said, “Hi Pangeran, let’s cut the crap, this is an MLM offer. Fancy a meeting?”
Now that’s the one for Noble peace prize.